Don't Know What to Think

This AM I had a blood test done. It is a test that checks the progestrone level. My level was 22.7, almost double where they like to see it. What does this mean? Well, it means that I had an egg that was available for fertilization. It doesn't mean that I'm pregnant. I will have a pregnancy test done next Monday. We will definitely find out then. The good news is that since my progestrone level is 22.7, my uterus lining is capable of carrying a baby.

What are my thoughts? I don't quite know. I had decided that I was ok with not being pregnant and now all of a sudden it's possible I am. I was ready to give up on trying. I was ready to go forward with other options. I guess some people are surprised when they find out they are pregnant, I will fall in that category if it happens.

Unexpected Turn

Dr. Jarrett decided that we would go forward. His plan: insemination. IVF wouldn't be worth the chance because I only had one egg and the chance of it surviving retrieval and fertilzing would be zero. I was instructed to take ganirelex Friday night and Saturday morning. Saturday morning I got up at dawn and was at the clinic by 7:10 a.m. I had an ultrasound done and blood work. Still only one egg. After my appt I went home awaiting word on what next. While trying to have a normal morning with my family it came to mind that I took the wrong drug. Instead of the ganirelex I took the ovrideal. That throw me in a frinzy. I called Linda and she called the doctor right away. He said that was ok since we only had one egg but insemination was going to have to happen on Sunday. Ganirelex is the drug that stops eggs from dropping, ovrideal is the drug that makes them drop. So it could have been really bad if I had 10 eggs but with just one it wasn't such a big deal.

On Sunday Brad and I got up at 7:00 a.m. and then took Lauren to Bill and Rita's. We got to Carle around 9ish. They did the preparation and at 10:00 the insemination took place. I will have blood drawn on Monday the 31st. That test will tell us if an egg was fertilized. On Monday the 7th I will have a pregnancy test done.

I really feel like this is it. If pregnancy doesn't happen I think I'm stopping. It's possible that I will want to retry again sometime down the road but right now, I'm done!

Discouraging News

I have one follicle that has matured. My lining has dropped to 4.7. I don't quite know what the doctor will think when he gets the results today. However, I've decided that it's not worth taking the chance of going through a retrieval so it won't be happening on Monday. I honestly don't even think I will take another chance at all. This process has been difficult for me and I don't know if I can face another failure. It hurts too bad right now.

Results and Protocol

Blood levels were good. I am to continue taking shots thru Friday morning. I have an appt on Friday at 8:15 for a recheck of follicles and lining.

Appointment

Had an ultrasound and blood taken this AM. I have 7 follicles on the right and 2 on the left. My lining is 5.4. At this moment everything looks good. Linda is going to call me this afternoon to let me know the next medication protocol and when I need to go back for a recheck. I will probably go back on Saturday for an ultrasound then Monday to Indy. That would mean Thursday would be the transfer day. :-)

Feeling Ok

This weekend was pretty uneventful. I did do a little cleaning and laundry on Saturday. I'm so dog gone tired. Shots have been ok. I try not to think about them until I have to take'em. I get really tense when Brad gives them. He does a good job, it's just the fact that I'm getting stuck that makes me tense. It's not fun.

Brad and I have talked again about the Chicago trip. I'm hoping we can sell it so we don't lose our money. It's a real bummer that we can't go. We always have a great time together. When we go to Indy I am hoping that we could stay over a day early so Lauren can go, enjoy the pool and may be go to the Zoo. We will see how things fall into plan.

Ready or Not

Brad and I met with Maleah this AM to go over the directions how to mix the valves and water. It is actually pretty easy, easier than before. I can get the shot in the stomach, hip or thigh. This AM I chose the stomach. Any needle being stuck anywhere in your body doesn't feel good. Brad did a good job. Hopefully he will be able to continue that for the next 10 days or so.

The medication I am taking is called Bravelie. It's the newest protocol drug that Dr. Jarrett is using. I am taking the maximum dosage that can be given. This drug is comparable to what I took with Lauren. So with that said I felt at ease about the drugs and dosage.

I didn't sleep well again last night. I woke up at 2:30 AM with a horrible headache and felt like I had been run over by a Mack truck. I need to find a solution to getting better rest. I can't let myself get wore down and all of this IVF preparation go down the tubes. I probably should look at going back to the accupuntrist and getting a massage. Meditation and releasing all my stress is the key. I need good energy flow.

One More Day

One more day until I start the medication. I was up all night last night thinking about if we have made the right decision to start another cycle. As I mentioned it before, I'm afraid of the mental and physical effects and the failure. When you want something so bad and it's not working out the way you want it to, and the process gets longer and longer, doubt sets in and you start asking why? It's all mind boggling....

Nervous

A have to admit that there isn't a minute that goes by and I'm not thinking about this coming Friday. The anticipation of shots and beginning a new cycle is freaking me out. I almost want to call it quits but Brad has encouraged me to not give up, not to exhaust our last chance.

I'm so concerned about the emotional side effects I will be going through. It's not something I can just "go with the flow" with each day. I realize the effects that will take place and I pray that since I acknowledge them I can keep myself under somewhat of control. Lots of prayer and support is needed.

New Schedule

I got the new schedule for the IVF cycle. I start my drugs on Friday, July 14th. One shot in the morning, one in the evening. The dosage is four times the amount normally given. I go back in on July 19th to have blood work done as well as another ultra sound. On July 24th I will go over to Indy to have the retrieval done, if there are eggs to retrieve, and then go back on the 27th to have them transfered. If there are three eggs we will have all three put in. Yes, we are taking the chance of having multiples again, but I think it's worth the chance to try to have at least one little one. After the transfer I need bed rest for a couple of days. I think this time I will do nothing until I go back to work the following week.

In the meantime our personal schedules have blown up. Brad has had to cancel a trip to Florida for work, which he has cancelled before because of our situation. It's wonderful that they understand, but it's quite embarassing at times. We also had an annivesary trip scheduled the weekend of the 27th of July and because the transfer is to go on that date, we have to cancel; but unfortunately we can't get our money back and will possibly lose it if we can't get anyone to go in our place. So that's a bummer. I think we are both sad because we can't go. We love Chicago and try to go every year around our anniversary. Lauren loves going up on the train too. Hopefully we will be able to go up another time.

So, if this retrieval/transfer doesn't work, adoption is our next option. I've been looking at kids waiting to be adopted online and man, my heart is getting bigger and bigger everytime I look. It makes me want to have a baby so Lauren can be a big sister but also give her the opportunity to be a little sister too by adopting older children. And of course, we can't just adopt one, we have to adopt two that our siblings. I can't imagine adopting one child without their sibling, it breaks my heart just thinking about it. It's been fun looking. I'm totally interested. I think Brad is too.

Transfer Failure/A New Mission

Unfortunately the transfer failed and now we are faced with going through a new cycle. We made the decision to go forward. I picked up my medications on Saturday. This includes several new medications, ones that I have never heard of or used.

I went in today for a baseline ultrasound and to get a schedule for when I am to start the drugs. I was confronted with all the consent forms, documents that need to be signed by both me and Brad, instructions, as well as all the pre-tests that need to be completed. Linda plans to call later today to give me my schedule because I started a pack of pills on Sunday which confused her as to when I should be starting the fertility drugs. I thought it was going to be this Friday but that hope was shortly deminished once I told her I started the pills. So we all still have lots of questions for the doctor.

I also started questioning myself as to why I am going to put myself through this again. All the memories from when we got pregnant with Lauren and our attempt last year to get pregnant came back. I am just overwhelmed with lots of stuff. May be this isn't the right thing to do. I though since I had one more chance I should go for it. But dealing with the emotional side effects and dealing with all the hormone changes, I'm not quite sure if it's the right thing to do.

I've prayed and prayed and I honestly feel that I have this chance and I shouldn't let it go without trying. God has shown me that whatever decision I make he will be with me at all times. It is so awesome to know his love; however, it's also hard to deal with so many unanswered questions.

So today, my journal will somewhat start over....